


Deep End

by abigailwarren74



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, But like why not, Carol is angry, Drug Abuse, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, SO ANGRY, Sorta painful read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 13:45:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15842505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abigailwarren74/pseuds/abigailwarren74
Summary: Carol AU. Modern Setting. One shot. Carol has been too distracted to realize that Therese is on the edge of coping with a crippling Valium addiction that had been set into motion by her own suggestion just six months ago. Will she be able to keep Therese safe? Trigger warning: Drug abuse.





	Deep End

**Author's Note:**

> [Disclaimer] All of the chapters to this work are fictional and are in no way a part of Patricia Highsmith's novel. The characters I have used, unless otherwise stated, have come from her novel. To be read at the reader's own discretion.
> 
> [Note] This was written more than a year ago for a separate fandom. One of my first pieces of writing. I loved it so much I've rewritten it to fit Carol/Therese. Please enjoy what I have to give! Happy reading!

_ Therese remembered exactly how it started. But it was the face of disappointment when Carol had found her out that gave her nightmares.  _

 

The anxiety buzzed like a bee colony was in her head. She felt giddy from all the racing thoughts that made her just want to forget. Quickly, she found her purse hanging by the chair, pulling out a distinct orange bottle. A pill bounced onto her palm but even as she tilted the bottle more, none followed. 

 

She heard Carol cough in the shower not far from where she was and swallowed her pill dry. Her feet flew to get rid of the evidence, hiding them behind their immense book collection, right at the back to the bookshelf. 

 

Therese paced over to their shared bedroom quietly, back and forth, back and forth, trying to work up the courage to say what she was about to say.

 

"Carol? I've run out of that medicine thing the doctor prescribed last month." Therese yelled out to her lover from across the bathroom door, hoping that the shower would have been distracting enough for the older woman to forget that she had just gotten Therese her pills for the month barely a week and a half ago.

 

Therese was careful with her addiction. She only asked Carol when she knew for sure that the older woman would be too covered in piles of work that she wouldn't be able to see the scrunched up guilty face Therese had when she asked.

 

She knew this was wrong.  _ This was so awfully wrong. _ But she knew the pills made her feel like the good old days when everything felt so awfully free. 

 

There were sixty Valium pills in a bottle meant for a month, two each day, the doctor had told her as well as Carol. It had started with a panic attack and Carol suggested she took one more pill to calm herself down and the dull buzzing in her mind was a comforting change than the constant reminders of how she wasn't good enough for Carol, or for anyone. 

 

It started like that. A pill occasionally on bad days. One here and there. Then, suddenly, on a day like any other, the sporadic extra pill no longer calmed her down enough. Everything changed after that and she had to secretly up it to three pills a day, which stayed that way... For about a month give or take. 

 

Now, it had been 6 months since the first panic attack and at some point, it had snowballed into an irrevocable mess. She took about six each day now, two in the morning, one before lunch, one after lunch, two after dinner. Sometimes once more at night. The monthly subscription barely lasted her two weeks. 

 

She had been stretching the last few pills for days now and she could no longer wait.

 

She waited nervously for Carol's reply when she heard the shower screen pull open. "Therese, didn't I just get you a bottle of those last week?" stated Carol when she exited the steamy shower, hair still dripping, body still in a towel. 

 

"God, Carol, are you that old? It's been a month," mumbled the Therese, "You must be too busy with Rindy and her first day of school." 

 

Carol eyed the newly minted Times journalist skeptically. "Is that so? Why don't you show me your bottle? See what date we got them?" 

 

"Do we really need to do this?" Therese felt a rush of panic wash over her. But knowing Carol's nature, she had come prepared with an old bottle that had the date Fourteenth May labelled on in the cabinet she usually kept her medicine. 

 

"No, it's not tha–" Carol started while the blow dryer muffled the rest of her words. Therese reached over to their shared cabinet and pulled out the orange white bottle from the shelf. 

 

"Carol are you seeing this? Empty." she held up the bottle for the older woman to look.

 

The hair dryer stopped abruptly as Carol took the bottle over in her hands and saw that it was indeed empty. She turned the bottle to inspect the label and then had her eyes trained on the calendar. Today was the fifteenth day of June but she could've sworn she had gotten Therese a bottle last week when she was in town.

 

"Oh, golly, I'm sorry. Rindy's teacher was just complaining about my forgetfulness the other day when I forgot to pack her the arts and craft supplies. Working at Abby's furniture shop must be messing with my brain. I can take you there tomorrow." 

 

_ It definitely isn't your brain that's messed up, Carol.  _ Therese thought to herself. "Can we do it now?" Therese tried. 

 

Carol looked at the setting sun, then back at Therese. "Why? Are you feeling sick, Therese?" 

 

"No..." 

 

"Are you sure? You're looking a bit flushed." 

 

"We can get them tomorrow," Therese said, ending the conversation. She looked down guiltily at her hands. Carol smiled weakly as she turned to meet Therese's similar smile. They looked at each other for a moment and Carol moved forth to kiss Therese lightly on the lips. "You know how much I love you?" Carol said.

 

"Well, I'm not so sure anymore now that you're so mean-spirited. You forgot me," Therese pouted. 

 

"Come 'ere," Carol pulled Therese but the younger of the two tried to escape her tight embrace. "So we're playing this now? You know I always win." Carol exclaimed as she tackled the small brunette down onto their four post bed. 

 

"Say you love me, Belivet!" Carol attacked her with so many sloppy kisses Therese felt that she was going to drown in them. 

 

"Fine, Carol! I love you!" 

 

"How much!" Carol held her in a deadlock. 

 

"More than you'll ever!" 

 

"That's good enough for me today," Carol said, letting go, "But you know I'll always love you more, no?" 

 

As their pants and giggles subsided, Therese turned over to face Carol as she leaned her head against the blonde's neck. Therese felt a hand drape over her torso and Carol pulled them impossibly close to one another, she mimicked Carol's light breathing pattern. It felt so good to be in her lover's arms, she thought. She suddenly thought that she'd never wanted to lose that ever. She wanted to– She wanted to stop but she couldn't.  _ She just couldn't. _

 

Therese waited for a while and when she knew for sure the older woman was asleep, she whispered,  _ "Carol… I'm sorry."  _

 

###

 

The next day came and the younger woman found herself weaving through the crowd at the local pharmacist, doctor's prescription in hand.

 

Carol, on the other hand, had wasted no time in trying to get her work done when she realised her hard work had finally paid off. 

 

It was well into the summer and after slogging the first half of it away with fussy buyers and incognito sellers that had gone on various summer trips, she had finally gone through the mountain of papers that had to be signed or reviewed. Now, her desk was clear of everything. She fiddled with her pen, suddenly underwhelmed by the lack of work and then jumped up, hoping to find her other half at home. With a spring in her step, she hurried down the hallway and into the elevator of Abby's parent's office building. Finding her car on the fifth floor, she sped down and into the horizon of modern New York.

 

As the car came to a rumbling stop at a busy intersection, Carol saw a woman who looked oddly like Therese holding a bag as the woman walked into the florist. She was slightly confused, knowing that Therese had this weekend off, and had been looking forward to finding the younger woman by the window reading another boring book. 

 

Her brows furrowed deeply. 

 

_ Right, Therese said something about getting her pills today.  _ Carol exhaled a heavy breath she had not know she had been holding and toyed with the thought of chasing Therese down to the florist.

 

She thought, _ oh, what fun it would be to pretend to know where Therese had been later when she came home! _

 

The lights turned green and Carol found herself homebound without the brunette. 

 

A while later, as she slumped into the armchair on one end of the room, she couldn't help but bask in the silence of the house. The older woman had been so filled these past weeks by Rindy and the furniture shop that the only time she saw her lover was during the night when the moon shone brightly through the long double hung windows.

 

Seeing as there was nothing to do, she laid her eyes on a book that she had yet to read. She stepped towards their shared bookshelf and yanked the book out of its place. The book felt heavy in her hands but as she was about to walk away, a bad feeling overcame her and she found her eyes wandering to the back of the bookshelf where a distinctive orange bottle stood.  _ That's weird. _ She wondered.  _ Why would Therese keep her pills there?  _

 

Slowly and carefully, as though she already knew what was going on, Carol took the next book and placed it on the vanity table next to the shelf, uncovering yet another bottle. The thud of books became clearer through the house as her motions became more frantic. A pile of books soon formed as more of the orange bottles came into sight. 

 

When the whole bookshelf had been flipped inside out, and Carol was sure there were no more orange bottles, she counted them.

 

_ One, two, three… Four, hmm… Five? Six? Seven, eight, nine, ten… Ele-ven... _

 

She stood there dumbfounded. Carol checked each one of them again, just to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her and that they were indeed Therese's anxiety pills. She checked the dates and the truth stared right back at her. Each bottle's date got progressively closer to the next until they were each barely two weeks apart. The last bottle was gotten on the third day of June, making today only twelve days. Even an idiot could do the math and tell Carol that Therese was using more than her two pills per day.

 

Carol didn't need long to figure out what was happening but it still shocked her, the revelation of this thing that was ongoing for god knew how long. The worst part yet: She had been seeing Therese  _ every single day _ , telling her that she could tell her anything and this thing– Something this big– could still go on under her nose, undetected.

 

In the end, it was the pain mixed with betrayal and lies that Carol's feet grounded to the floor, hands grasping the orange bottle, mouth contorting into a silent scream. "No," she screamed quietly in her mind, "No, no… How could I have not known?" Her eyes bore into the ground as she collected the other bottles from the table and dropped them in a messy pile on the duvet. 

 

Carol reached for her phone and quickly typed out:  _ Come home right this instant. _

 

As if on cue, the brunette found herself at the very steps of the townhouse they shared, hoping to surprise her lover with a bunch of roses she had bought from the nearby florist. She wondered what the older woman had in store for her. A smile crept onto her face at the thought of that.

 

###

 

The room door flung open but it wasn't the sight the younger woman had in mind. The lilac walls were lifeless. And her brown eyes apprehensively raised to met the older woman's whose own eyes seared into her skin. Carol was sitting on her side of their bed, all eleven orange bottles by her side. The books were neatly piled up next to the exposed bookshelf. Carol wasn't frowning but she sure as hell wasn't smiling either.

 

"Therese," Carol greeted quietly. 

 

Therese felt a hotness creep onto her neck, then her cheeks. Soon, it manifested her whole entire body as though a thousand angry ants were climbing all over. "Carol… I– I can– I can explain. It's not what it looks like," she stuttered, the bouquet slipped onto the floor with a crisp thud. 

 

"Then what is  _ it _ ," Carol bellowed, looking up alas. Blue eyes were icy cold, yet seething like a boiling kettle. How someone could look like both ends of the spectrum puzzled Therese. "Hand over the pills," she commanded. 

 

But Therese remained unmoving, mouth suddenly in a frown, doe eyes fearful. "Carol, please hear me out–" she hiccupped. 

 

"Therese– I said–" Carol huffed, marching over to the young lady as she ripped the bag out from her hands, pills cackling against the bottle. 

 

"Did you have any before coming home?" Carol cried as she pried open the white lid to check if it was full.

 

Therese stood there, as still as a tree, in shock that her secret had been exposed. The shaking of the pills against the bottle sent Therese into a trance-like state, some sort of denial. 

 

"ANSWER ME!" Carol exploded into a furry of anger and Therese was sure she could feel the power radiating off the older woman who was worked up, tears threatening to spill from the cerulean eyes. 

 

"N–No," she lied, again.

 

Carol choked. She couldn't believe it. Even at the forefront of being exposed, Therese, whom she thought told her everything was still trying to hard to hide this very thing from her. "So if I count them, I would have exactly sixty pills? AM I RIGHT?" Her hands shook with an earthquake in them as she poured the Valium pills out of its container, spreading them over the bed. The desperate jagged movement sent the pills flying all over the bed, some bouncing onto the floor. 

 

Brown eyes averted eye contact with the blue and in that moment, Carol fumed. "Spit them out," she commanded the younger woman again.

 

Therese stood so still she could've disappeared. A bird whistled outside and cars roared out in the road beneath them. But the room was so still. Carol seethed, sniffling heavily. 

 

"SPIT THEM OUT!" Carol shrilled, throwing an empty bottle across the room sending a vase crashing onto the floor. The light sniffles were to be no more as Therese's floodgates broke, she was full on bawling now but Carol would have none of that. She pulled Therese by the arm and marched her into the lavatory, forcing her to kneel next to the toilet on the floor and held the short brunette strands out of her face. 

 

Carol knelt down too, beside her lover, squeezing her by the jaw so Therese's mouth opened in both shock and pain as long nails dug into her cheek. And without any warning, Carol shoved two fingers into Therese's mouth, down into her throat. Therese gagged, throwing up again and again into the toilet, foam surrounding the yellow vomit, a bitter aftertaste lingering in her mouth.

 

Carol sat on the edge of the bathtub as the younger witch struggled to regain her composure after the violent session. Her palm lingered on her lover's back, providing some sense of comfort as she watched the younger woman closely. Her lover turned away from the toilet and nestled into her legs sniffling heavily.

 

They sat in silence if only not for Therese's sobs that had now become hiccups.

 

"Why did you?" Carol asked in a soft collected tone, a stark contrast to the minute before. 

 

"I don't–" Therese started but tears began clouding her vision again.

 

Carol shook her head, "Therese, I– I don't know what to say… Please. Please tell me why." 

 

"Carol– Please, I can't." 

 

"Therese, you can." 

 

Therese cried even harder as Carol tried to draw comforting strokes across her back. It must've been almost fifteen minutes later when Therese finally spoke again. "It makes me calm. When I'm having panic attacks at night… I can't always wake you up. Then they– the– They became day– Day attacks and it just got worse and worse and worse and all of a sudden–" 

 

"Stop– Therese," Carol held her hand up, unable to take any more words. Ocean blue eyes stared into brown ones, searching for any form of answer.

 

"You should always wake me up. I don't care what I am doing, you call me if you need help. I don't ever want you saying that ever again. Doing this is wrong. Okay?"

 

"Okay," Therese croaked softly. 

 

They sat in the bathroom till darkness engulfed them.

 

After what seemed like an eternity, Carol helped Therese back into their bed. When she saw the mess the room was in, Carol flew around the room, sweeping the shattered vase under the bedside table, leaving the empty pill bottles on the dressing table to be thrown away. The roses that Therese had dropped found themselves in another vase across their room, the books back into how Carol had found them, one side of the blanket was pulled down and Carol placed Therese gently there.

 

Therese, even in her weakened state, marveled at the power of the Carol. 

 

"Stay Carol, please." she looked up at blue eyes.

 

Carol nodded and climbed onto the other side of the bed, hugging Therese tightly from behind. The brunette turned around to face Carol, lips crashing into hers. Tears cut through both of their faces as their tongues engaged in a sacred dance. Carol could still taste the bitterness of the bile and pills on Therese's tongue but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that her lover was safe and alive in her arms.

 

Blue eyes watched as her younger counterpart began to succumb to the sweetness of sleep, though her eyebrows furrowed in worry. Her longer fingers rubbed the journalist's forehead and creased eyebrows relaxed. As she pulled the string to the bedside lamp, she stared momentarily into the dimly lit room, thinking about what had just happened. She wasn't there for Therese the way she thought she was. 

 

_ But for the briefest moment, with the moon high in the sky, Therese in her arms, she knew it was going to be okay.  _

_ Or was it that easy? _

**Author's Note:**

> How did you enjoy that? Hope you loved it as much as I did.. All comments/kudos are forever appreciated... Find me on tumblr as @abigw :)


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